So I was mowing my neighbor's lawn earlier today, and one of my less-listened-to songs came on. "All At Once" by The Fray. Have you ever heard it? If you haven't, a lyric video is here.
Anyway, this song, which I've had on my iPod for a long time, suddenly means a bit more to me. See, I don't admit this to everyone, but with the certain anonimity that goes with blogging and the fact that I haven't told anyone about this, I feel okay sharing. I'm bisexual, and I'm in love with my female best friend. My oldest best friend. The girl who has admitted to being my soul mate, because we are just similar enough for it to awesome, and just different enough to fill in each other's shortcomings.
Now, I'm pretty sure that she knows. Either that, or she's really fricking dense. Anyway, so there was some fuckwittery going on earlier this month, having to do with a thirteen-year-old I met at a hospital and my best friend getting herself drunk without telling me (not that I'd want to get drunk with her; it'd be embarrassing for both of us, it's just what went on in the conversation we had while she was drunk).
Anyway, long story short (seriously, the whole took, like, a week to play out), she told me that she might love me in "more than a best friend way", but she was too scared to really look at her feelings and that I was a lot like her ex (which I'm not, by the way, he's rude and creepy and shit) and that it would be better if we just ignored it.
Now, it's necessary to know at this point that I've been living with the fact that I'm in love with her and she's never going to love me back the same way for about two years now. Just think about it; you settle yourself to the fact that what you really want is never going to happen, then you find out that is could happen, and the only reason it's not happening is because the other person is too much of a fucking coward to figure out if it's even possible.
It's been really hard lately, talking to her and trying to pretend that everything's okay, but I have no intention, right now, anyway, of letting her go, because I've spent a few months without her in the past, and I don't ever want to go through that again. This song, All At Once, tells the story of someone who has something special at home, but for some reason doesn't think it's enough, and goes out in search of perfection. The line near the end, "Perfection will not come," shows how futile this person's search is, because what he/she is looking for cannot be found.
Another of the lines, "She won't keep on waiting/For you without a doubt/Much longer for you to sort it out," says that if this person's search takes too long, his/her girl will eventually give up on him/her. In the end, this person could end up totally alone, because he/she pushed away what he/she had, and couldn't find what he/she was looking for, because it can't be found.
Now, to apply this to my life, my best friend doesn't have to worry. I will never leave her. But the fact that she is off searching for something that's right in front of her face makes me sad, and the fact that she refuses to recognize what's right in front of her face hurts like Hell.
Maybe one day I'll get over this. Maybe I'll stop loving her so much. Maybe I'll keep loving her, but forgive how much she hurt me. Maybe one day I'll be able to forget. Maybe I'll move on. Maybe I'll fall in love with someone I actually have a chance with. Maybe I'll be able to just stop thinking about it one day.
I don't know what the future brings, but I do know that for now, I'll nurse a secret heartache once more, and I'll cry every now and then, and I'll try not to get green with envy the next time she has a boyfriend. I'll pretend to her and to my family and most of my friends that everything's okay, and pray that one day that I won't have to pretend anymore.
