This is something that I need everyone who knows me to understand. Not just see. Not just hear. Understand and accept. And I really do mean everyone. Every single person, from my boss to the person to whom I talk in class, from my best friend to a passing acquaintance, this is a thing you need to know, and I really don’t think anyone has gotten it yet.
Having me sit down and watch other people work and then telling me not to worry about it is like sticking an alcoholic in a wine cellar and telling them not to drink.
It will not happen.
If you are desperate for me to be okay with it, you have to say something like this: “I want to do it." “I like doing this sort of thing." You can NOT say: “Don’t trouble yourself." “You’re fine, just stay there." or anything else related to that.
You have to make it, at least in my eyes, about your comfort, not mine. If, in reality, you want what’s best for my physical health and peace of mind, make favors to me about you.
Growing up, I was taught that putting myself in any place other than last is selfish, and that there is nothing worse than being selfish. I was not taught—did not learn—that if I don’t take care of myself, no one will, until I was fifteen, and by then, the habit of putting myself behind everyone else was so ingrained, that I’m still trying to break it, and I still feel guilty as all get out when I put myself ahead of anyone else, even when I know that I need it.
This is why talking about my problems is so hard for me. This is why I can’t call people at three in the morning when I’m crying too hard to sleep, even though I have to work in five hours. This is why I always surrender in conversations when others interrupt me. This is why I always volunteer for the shit jobs, why I always pick up the extra shifts, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I just want to rest.
I don’t actually think it, but my subconscious whispers to me: “You aren’t as good as they are. You aren’t as important. Let them sleep. Let them talk. Let them rest. You don’t matter." I try to fight back, I try to speak up and speak out and make myself heard, but I have been conditioned my whole life to think this way, and it’s only been a year since I left the constant presence of people who still (despite knowing what it does to me) force this bullshit down my throat.
So, in the end, friends of mine, what I’m saying is that I need you to take care of me sometimes. I’m trying hard to kick this thing in the teeth, but I really do need your help, and it’s so fucking hard to ask for it because, get this, it makes me feel guilty and selfish. ("You should be able to do this yourself. You’re not strong enough. Why should you expect them to help you when they have their own problems?")
Most of all, though, I need your reassurance. The occasional, unwarranted “I love you," or “You’re adorable," no matter what my mood is like before or after, never goes unnoticed or unappreciated, and it makes all the difference the next time I must fight my demons.
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