Twilight, Chapter 5

We should make this more interesting. How, though? Hm…

Oo! I got it! Naked blogging!

…You aren’t allowed to be naked! I get to be!

On second thought, how about not?

Chapter 5: Blood Type

Bella is late for English class! Apparently, she doesn’t understand what just happened, either.

The boys are angry that she turned them down, but they’re apparently still holding out hope. Or something. She tries to…make up for not want wanting them?

Wait, before we go on, is this going to be a thing? Where the boys are entitled to the girls they want, and if the girls don’t want the boys, the girls are now guilty? Of all the misogynist bullshit I have heard (and I’ve heard a bloody lot), this probably the worst. This right here is what perpetuates rape culture, the thought that men can take what they want, and if women don’t like it, they’re the ones in the wrong.

A more extreme example: Man wants woman (I’m too lazy to make up names). Woman doesn’t want Man. Man gets pouty. Woman makes Man cookies so he feels better. Man now thinks he has a chance and persists. Insert harassment. Woman continues to feel bad and make Man cookies. Man continues to harass. Ends with rape and Man getting off on the fact that, “I thought that was what she wanted.”

WOMEN, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. WHEN THIS STARTS, YOU DO NOT NEED TO BAKE MEN COOKIES TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER. YOU NEED TO DO NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR OPINION. YOU NEVER DO, AND ESPECIALLY NOT IF YOU DISAGREEE WITH A MAN. HAVE YOUR OWN OPINION, FIGHT FOR IT, AND GIVE A MAN A PUNCH IN THE DICK IF HE MAKES YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU GET UNWANTED ATTENTION. YOU DON’T NEED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT WANTING ANYONE, AND IF THEY TRY TO TELL YOU OTHERWISE, THEY ARE UNDESERVING SCUMBAGS AND SHOULD BE LOCKED INTO STANDING STOCKS AND PUBLICALLY HUMILIATED.

The unholy feminist rage inside me has been unleashed. I’m going to go and look at pictures of pretty people, and return to this when I’m calm.

*two hours later*

*no really, I swear, it has been*

So Bella, still in shock, eventually wanders into the lunchroom, wondering what about her appeals to Edward. He thinks your blood smells tasty.

Bella gets all sad because Edward isn’t at the Cullens’ table, but the Jessica notices that he is sitting alone and beckoning Bella. Jessica is astonished, and Bella finds it insulting.

Bella, baby, we’ve covered this, I think. The Cullens don’t talk to anyone. Jessica would be just as astonished if Edward were beckoning her, Lauren, or Mike. Seriously Siriusly.

Bella sits down with Edward, and immediately begins obsessing over his beauty.

Hang on, stopping this again (I don’t think we’ll be going into all-caps land this time, though). It has been mentioned—many times—that Edward is beautiful. We are never told how, though. Is he ruggedly handsome (like John Barrowman)? Is he a pretty boy (like David Tennant)? Is he stupendously sexy and capable of expressions that make you go UNF (like Thomas Gibson)? Is he somehow amazingly hot, despite the fact that he really shouldn’t be, but it just works for him (like Christopher Eccleston)? Is he slim and lovely with gorgeous cheekbones (like James Marsters)? Is he just dead sexy (like Alan Rickman (no, wait, no one’s like Alan Rickman))? I have questions! I need to know!

Anyway, Edward has decided to go to hell, and do it thoroughly. …Really?

Bella doesn’t think he’s making sense. I think he’s being a drama queen. Can I start calling him Romeo?
So they engage in conversation. There is ridiculous insanity about Bella’s “friends”, there is even more ridiculous insanity (I mean in the sense that it is more ridiculous, not simply that there is more insanity) about Edward being dangerous NOM NOM NOM to Bella, Bella doesn’t understand things, and they decide that they’re now friends. Edward declares that Bella is not very smart, Bella is righteously indignant (for three seconds) and then she kind of wanders off in her head. Edward wants to know what Bella’s thinking, and she says, “I’m trying to figure out what you are.”

You’re so subtle, Meyer. That was about as subtle as a ton of bricks hitting me in the face. Which is very subtle.

So Bella’s theories have to do with Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker. I shall refute both of these right now: A) They are both awesome than Edward. B) They will not WATCH YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Sheer insanity continues as Bella gets angry and does not stop to filter. And then, a page later, she’s all butterflies and cooing again. Bipolar disorder, anyone? Then she lets Edward have a question without putting qualifiers on it, so he gets all demanding that she tell him one of her theories about him. She doesn’t want to, and then…he breathes in her face? And that makes her change her mind? Does she have no willpower? Is this a foreign concept to these people?

And then Bella understands that he’s dangerous! Didn’t he say that a few pages back? *flips pages* Hmm, well, he hinted at it. Rather obviously, in my opinion, but there you have it. But Bella isn’t afraid, stupid brave girl that she is! She feels “anxious, on edge…and, more than anything else, fascinated.” SK’s diagnosis: Unresolved Sexual Tension, commonly known in writers’ circles as UST.

What I’m saying is that this kid needs to get laid. They probably both do.

Edward declares that he’s ditching biology. I have a question! How does he know that they’ll be doing blood typing, but Bella doesn’t? Were they told before she showed up? It could also be guessed more reasonably that she was so entranced with Edward that she missed it. But whatever.

So it turns out that the smell of blood makes Bella sick. But, according to Edward, people can’t smell blood. They can’t? I can. Does that mean that I’m going to be the best vampire that ever vampired a complete Mary Sue kinda special?

No, wait, everyone else I know can smell blood, too. Really, Meyer? Is your little fantasy world so far removed from reality that normal, everyday people can’t do normal, everyday things? That you have to take these normal, everyday things away from the normal, everyday people so your main character is Super Special? Really?

Bella recovers (somewhat) and Edward gets her out of Gym class and permission to take her home. On the way out, though:

“He held the door for me, his smile polite but his eyes mocking.”
I have points: A) Why is he mocking her? B) Were I in this situation, I’d flip the guy off. Why is she taking this? Seriously Siriusly!

And then Edward insists on driving her home, despite her repeated protests that she is fine and she doesn’t need his help. Because she isn’t and she totally does, according to him. She even calls him pushy! Isn’t that one of the signs of an abusive relationship? Forcefully taking control of everything because the other person “can’t possibly handle it”? Or something?

They talk classical music in the car and apparently Renée is young for her age and Edward’s adoptive parents are the best parents that ever parented and they feed their children a special diet. Edward and Emmett are starting the weekend early and going hunting hiking on Friday, so he can’t make the beach party happening on Saturday, and then he asks Bella not to die as she gets out of his Volvo. Bella gets insulted (I would laugh) and stomps off. Edward laughs. I headwall.

I’m going to read something good now, and maybe have chapter six for you tomorrow. (HA)

OTHER CHAPTERS

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 6