This chapter is Hell on Earth.
There should a lot of facepalming
going on.
But that’s what you’re here for,
isn’t it?
You people are sick…
Chapter 8: Port Angeles
Am I the only one who reads that
with a Mexican accent? Yeah, I thought so…
So Bella is excited to have a girls’
night out. Apparently, she gets an estrogen rush.
Did I ever tell you the story about
what happened when there was too much estrogen in my group of friends? Well,
it’s a long one, so suffice it to say that we all spent about a month suffering
from estrogen poisoning. It wasn’t pretty. It’s also why I’m mostly friends
with guys.
So Port Angeles is a tourist trap,
and those are craptons of fun.
Fortunately for everyone, Jessica and Angela have been there before, and they
just skip over all the novelty shops (thank God. I don’t think I could stand
reading about those damn things…) and go straight to a department store.
In the store, there is much
discussion. Jessica and Angela don’t believe that Bella never went to a dance,
or that she never had a boyfriend, because everyone is asking her out. And
Bella always says—
Wait a sec. Hold on. Before we go on
and The Angry Feminist comes out again (because yes, that’s where this is
heading), did I read that right? They’re in the juniors’ section?
*coughs, splutters*
EXCUSE
me? Last I checked, these girls were seventeen. Meyer, sweetheart, honey, I
haven’t gotten clothes from the juniors’ section since I was eleven. I have a fifteen-year-old
sister, and her clothes are from the women’s section.
Meyer, you graduate from the
juniors’ section at about the same time at the same as you stop shopping at
Justice.
When you turn thirteen or thereabouts.
Around when you hit puberty.
The same time you start developing
these things called, oh, I don’t know, boobs.
Please pardon me while I go shoot
myself in the face because this woman is so fucking behind the times that it
hurts.
Back to the story. And some Unholy
Feminist Rage.
All the boys ask Bella out. Bella
says no to all of them. Except, it seems, Tyler. Tyler is telling everyone that
Bella is going to prom with him.
This is the first I’ve heard of it.
And, since Bella whines and moans whenever a boy asks her out, I’m pretty sure
we’d’ve heard it if he did. Bella confirms that it isn’t true by being as close
to righteously indignant as she can be. Don’t worry, love, I’ll be righteously
indignant for you.
OF ALL THE ASSHOLE-Y, CONCEITED,
PRESUMPTUTIOUS, DICK-HEADED THINGS TO DO. I’m sure that if this happened to me,
I’d kick one of the dress racks over, walk outside to cool myself down, and rip
Tyler a new pair the next day at school. No meekness. No mildness. No forget
about it because pretty boys came to my rescue. I’d haul his ass to a very
public place by his ear and scream at
him for a good half an hour, at least. It would sound something like this:
WHAT THE HELL GIVES YOU THE FUCKING RIGHT TO ASSUME THAT I’M GOING TO GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU. I HAVE A BRAIN OF MY
GODDAMN OWN AND I WILL MAKE MY OWN BLOODY DECISIONS THANK YOU. I SAID NO TO THE
FIRST DANCE SO WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I’D SAY YES TO THE SECOND ONE. I’D
SUGGEST GETTING YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, BECAUSE THERE WON’T BE ENOUGH ROOM
UP IT WHEN I SHOVE YOUR FUCKING PRESUMPTIONS THERE.
Yes, I’d do all that swearing, and
damn the consequences, because this guy needs to have his head reattached. I
don’t give a shit what “small town ethics” say, THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO THINGS. Women are not possessions to be
claimed; you don’t get us on a first-come, first-served basis. We decide who we want to spend our lives
with, because they are our own.
I have a feeling that I will be doing
a lot more shouting in the future…
*calms The Angry Feminist down*
Bella gets over her own slight
indignation pretty fast, and starts thinking about Edward. Again. *gags* It
turns out that she needn’t worry, because the Cullens are always gone on sunny
days. Because they are fucking
vampires.
I correct some teenager grammar, and
they’re done faster than they thought. Jessica and Angela want to go to the
bay, but Bella wants to go book shopping. Not that I don’t approve, but wasn’t
that what she was going to Seattle for?
I don’t even know at this point, nor
do I really want to, so I just decide to go with it, and Bella heads into town
looking for the bookshop. The one she was directed to turns out to be a hippie
bookstore, and Bella decides against going in. Probably a wise choice. Once of
her only ones of the night.
She wanders off, looking for a
better shop, and thinks about Edward. She doesn’t seem to be able to make
connections for herself, does she? Direct sunlight? Vampire? Ring any bells? Am
I getting through to you?
Obviously not.
So she gets lost, because this is a
Thing, and then there’s the painful almost-rape scene that I’m not going to get
into because, no matter how deserted
the street it, I doubt they’d be that
fucking obvious about it.
And Bella obviously has no idea what
to do in this situation. Here, I’ll give you a quick run-down for if you think
you’re about to get raped:
- Meet their eyes, smile, say hello; counterproductive as it seems, these people are looking for victims low on confidence, because they are easier to manipulate. Smiling at and greeting someone shows that you have confidence.
- Mace and pocket knives are a godsend; it’s best to always keep one on you, however inconvenient it may be to get it.
- Sometimes, it’s impossible to keep something like that on you; perhaps you work at an airport, or other place with high security, and you are absolutely prohibited from carrying any kind of weapon. In situations like these, remember that your elbow is the hardest part of your body, and you never forget that.
- If your assailant is male, there is always the classic knee-to-the-groin maneuver. Knees are best for that, when you are face-to-face, and most people can kick their feet high enough in the back to hit someone’s crotch if you’re front-to-back with the guy.
- Scream; I don’t care what your throat feels like, and neither should you. Better to prolong that sore throat than to end up lying raped, beaten, and/or dead in a ditch off the highway.
- Whatever you do, whatever else you remember, always remember to struggle. If you fight hard enough, most potential rapists will be deterred. They want someone easy to get control of, and if you prove that you are not easy, they will run so that no one else notices them.
These are just some simple,
straightforward things to remember. More in-depth self-defense guides can be
found all over the Internet. Break out your Google-fu and find some.
Just a quick PSA.
So that happens, and then this car
comes OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE and Bella decides that it’s a good idea to jump
in. At least she recognizes his voice…
Turns out Edward’s pissed and he
needs to be ~distracted~ and Bella starts talking about running over Tyler and
then boring things happen and you really
shouldn’t get involved with someone with a temper issue and then hey it’s
Jessica and Angela! So they ate while waiting for Bella because they are
rude bitches got hungry and they offer to stay with Bella as she eats, but
Edward says no, they can go home and he’ll get Bella back in one piece.
They go into the restaurant and get
a table and Edward dazzles people and I’m monumentally bored. But then Meyer
flashes her ignorance again.
Point A: Being good at repressing
unpleasant things has nothing to do with going into shock. There is psychology
and biology involved that I don’t particularly want to get into but it doesn’t work that way. Shock has to
do with, essentially, immediate chemical withdrawal, repression with memories
and long spans of time.
Point B: I don’t give to flying
monkey fucks how hot a server is for a guy; they
are too well-trained to EVER turn their back to a customer. I know this
because my big brother is a server (it’s a non-gendered Industry Thing). There
are specific ways that they put the
fucking cups on the table to make customers feel welcome and at ease.
Dear GOD, Meyer, do some fucking
RESEARCH.
So that shit happens, then boring
shit happens, then Bella realizes that she has never notices what Edward wears.
It’s because it’s all beige and entirely un-extraordinary. Then more
boring shit about Bella not being normal (where’s the fun in that?) and golden
topaz amberscotch eyes and theories and the waitress flirting and far too specific hypothetical situations
and I’m really just fucking facepalming all over the place at this point.
And then HOLY CRAP THINGS ARE
ACTUALLY HAPPENING. I’m not getting into the details as to how it came out (see
aforementioned too-specific hypothetical situations and facepalming), but
Edward can read ALL THE MINDS except for Bella’s, because she is a Super
Special Snowflake (or maybe just Special Snowflake? (No, wait, that would be SS
and we don’t want to imply anything (or
do we?))).
The only other thing of note in this
chapter is that Meyer has NO FUCKING IDEA how the weather works. It gets fucking cold at night next to the ocean.
It’s not just that the good weather is over. This shit happens, and generally people deal
with it without whining.
*is giggling helplessly*
ReplyDelete*literally cannot stop*
I love you. And I'm very sorry that you're subjecting yourself to this. If it makes you feel any better, I appreciate it muchly.