Twilight, Chapter 9

I’m writing this at work.

No, I’m not slacking. I’m sitting through the SAME GODDAMN ORIENTATION PRESENTATION for the THIRD TIME.

I’m nearly bored to tears.

Anger is probably a better option.

Chapter 9: Theory

Bella has one more question. Edward obviously sucks at wordplay. Boring.

Edward has a special nose. He can follow scents.

“Do your ears have special powers, too?”

And then explanations! Of mind reading! Spoiler alert: THERE IS NOTHING CREATIVE ABOUT THIS. What goes on is standard shit.

Boring. Moving on.

Bella is worried that she’d a freak because her mind can’t be read. The hell is this? I’d do my fistpump-fuck-yeah thing, because I don’t have to worry about someone creeping on my thoughts. I’d stare at him and go, “I could be thinking evil, evil things right now and YOU’D NEVER KNOW MWAHAHA.” And then pretend to be Batman! But I wouldn’t jump off anything, because God knows that won’t end well.

Next up is an item on our Abusive Relationship Checklist: Rolling Right Over the Other’s Concerns. He is driving ONE HUNDRED MILES PER FUCKING HOUR. In other words, WAY TOO GODDAMN FAST. And then he gets angry at Bella for being concerned. Can I punch him in the side of the head?

Anyway, I get enraged, Bella explains the vampire theory (have you heard about my new Goth indie band, Vampire Theory?) and how it came about, and Edward has sympathy for Jacob, Bella admits she doesn’t care. Edward is ~scandalized~.

“You don’t care if I’m a pedopire monster? If I’m not human?”

Well, first off, “monster” is in the eye of the beholder. Second, human isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Third, I can’t really say anything anyway, because “Buffy/Angel: Giving a whole new meaning to the word ‘pedopire’ since 1996.” It’s just fun to make jokes about.

Anyway, Edward basically confirms it, and then they play Truth or Myth. Edward can’t sleep. He scrapbooks all night.

More boring confirmation of shit. VEGERARIANISM OMG. Edward thinks that this is a mistake. Bella gets teary. I facepalm a lot.

Now we get more explanations! Huzzah! (Not Really.) They eat animals because they don’t want to be monsters.

Wait. *tire squealing sound effect* Okay, let’s review vampire mythos.

According to popular belief, there are two types of vampires: the demon vampire, and the diseased vampire. Demon vampires are comprised of a dead human body which has had its immortal soul ousted and replaced by a demon. Also according to popular belief, the immortal soul is the home of the conscience.

Suppose this last belief is fact. Because of this, demon vampires would, obviously, have no conscience, so they would just nom people, ‘cause they don’t give a shit. Clearly, they are monsters, and they’re cool with being monsters, because they don’t give a shit.

On the flipside, there are the diseased vampires. Generally, these aren’t technically dead; they just have a disease that makes them crave human blood, kind of like an addiction that can never be beaten. However, these particular vampires still have their immortal souls, thus (as we have supposed) their conscience, which allows them to give a shit, and then make the decision for themselves. Sure, you’re still going to get assholes who decide that they just wanna eat people, but you’ll also get human assholes who want to kill people.

With this laid out in plain English (that was plain English, right?), clearly, Meyer’s vampires aren’t honey badgers demon vampires, because they give a shit. How, then, do you explain the sheer amount of vampires who obviously don’t give a shit? Are there just a few vampires who somehow manage to keep their souls?

In other words, WHAT THE EVERLIVING FUCK IS MEYER’S MYTHOS?!?!?

Whatever Meyer’s personal mythos is, being a monster has nothing to do with your species, or even your temptations; it has to do with your choices. I’m occasionally tempted to go on a rampage and kill every fucking idiot on the planet, because it would make my life so much easier. Does that make me a monster? No. Does it make me impatient and slightly prejudiced? Probably. Does being impatient and slightly prejudiced make me a monster? No! If I actually went on a rampage and killed every fucking idiot on the planet, then I would be a monster. In other words, Edward’s self-loathing is going to get reeeeeeeeally annoying really fast, because it’s groundless.

Yes, I’m arguing mythos and ethics. Shut the fuck up.

Back to the story. More boring shit about hunting I WANT TO SEE EMMETT WRESTLE A BEAR and allusions to sparkling. There’s ridiculousness about their feelings being wrong and Bella crying and what the actual fuck she was going to do while being chased down that street. Then more boring shit about promising to be in class the next day and not going into the woods and sleeping well and then Charlie! Charlie is one of the few characters I like! =D

Charlie’s watching baseball and being concerned and fatherly. Then Jess calls! She’s surprised that Bella’s home. What, did she think Edward was gonna park somewhere and there was going to be wild car sex? Sweetie, have you met these people? They don’t do that sort of thing.

After the phone call, Bella showers and crawls into bed and tries to think. We get that ridiculous-ass passage from the back of the book, and the chapter ends with me flat on my back from facepalming so hard I fell over.

OTHER CHAPTERS

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 10